


Keep me warm

by gay_Queen0



Series: keep me warm [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Boyfriends, Cheater Marco, Chronic nightmare's armin, F/F, Gay Daddys, M/M, Pastel Armin Arlert, Punk Jean Kirstein, Trigger Warnings, depressed Jean, gender fluid armin, mama Mikasa, suicidal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-16
Updated: 2014-09-18
Packaged: 2018-02-13 08:29:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2143950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gay_Queen0/pseuds/gay_Queen0
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean Kirstein was a party boy, partying every weekend getting high and drunk with his boyfriend, but that's when Jean's mother got severe stage 4 breast cancer and at the same time he stopped the partying. His boyfriend is still stuck in the past partying every week, that isn't what jean needs at the moment. Jean has already believed that every where he turns he'll always be lost , until the petite pastel Armin Arlert moves in one house down with his fathers, and maybe just maybe Jean will find the right path to what he really needs and wants in his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pastel Purple

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing a fanfic on this website hope you like it :)

I entered the hospital room, my mom was sitting up on the bed while knitting something.

"Hey mom"

"Hello Jean, how has my boy been doing"

She was wearing a hat, and the fluffy sweater I bought. It can get really cold in the hospital for her and sge needed something warm.  
"I'am doing just fine, so how was your day mom"

"Pretty good, I got chemo today. That really tires me out"

"Well as long as your getting help mom"

"Yeah thats true. Honey don't you get tired of visting me everyday, your a teenager you deserve a break every once in a while" she said with a kind smile, I smiled back at her and pulled up a chair next to her.

"I'm fine with it doesn't bother me"

"I just want whats best for ok" my mom smiled softly.

"So what are you knitting"

"Remember how you asked me to make you a beanie"

"Yeah"

"Well I'am making it now since I have some free time" she smiled again and lifted it up to show me.

"See its almost done, and I chose your favorite colors too"

My mom always had a talent of knitting up some cool stuff and makin things out of polymer clay, me on the other hand my talent is drawing, painting, and sculpting.

"Thanks mom" I said in a thankful tone

Then she put a hand on top of my hair and ruffled it all up.

"Mom, what are you doing"

"It's just you have so much hair, do I have to keep track of your hair too young man"

"Mom, I'am not a little kid anymore"

"But your still my baby boy, so please do your mother a favor and get a hair cut this week"

"Yes, ma'am" I said while blushing.

"So how are things with you and Marco"

"Pretty good, I guess" I said with a fake smile  
Things with with me and Marco haven't been good we have been dating for a long time now, but Marco likes to party every week and I stopped because of my mom getting breast cancer. He's been showing up at my house at 1 or 2 in the morning stank drunk and high as fuck, I love him and everything, but I can't take it anymore.  
  
After my mom had fell asleep, visting hours were over. I covered her in her blanket, kissed her forehead and left. When I checked my phone it was 8:30 pm, and I was hungry.When I got home I just made some mac and cheese.

My mom is a very strong woman, she took care of me and herself, after my dad died while he was in the army. She had to be strong especially for me, because I was young and didn't understand what was going on at the time, but as I got older I understood and excepted everything, and soon enough I had a great relationship with my mom. Then when she found out she had breast cancer, it was my turn to be strong for her because she needs me just as much as I needed her back then... I don't want to worry her anymore like I used too.

Then I heard my phone ring, and I answered the phone while eating the cheesy pasta from the pot, while sitting in front of the TV.

"Hey babe"

"Hey Marco"

"Jean how do feel about going to a party tomorrow" He said in an excited voice.

"Didn't I tell you, to stop asking me already I have to much on my mind"

"Come on just once, everyone misses seeing you at party's, YOUR LIKE THE LIFE OF THE PARTY"

"I'am sorry Freckles it's a no"

"I knew you would say no, so in advanced I told everyone that your coming tomorrow, SO you are coming" he said with a mischievous voice.

"MARCO WHAT THE HELL"

"This is the last time I promise, just come to the party everyone is expecting you"

I stayed silent, the only reason I stopped going to party's is because I don't want to worry my mom anymore, especially since she has cancer, but I think I can go to one party just once, right ?.

"Ehhh babe you there"

"Fine I'll go, but just this once, and that's it and don't go doing that shit to me Marco" I said in a pissed off tone

"Finally, see you tomorrow night babe, I'll send you the address"

"k bye babe love you"

"Me too freckles, bye"

I hang up and threw my phone on the couch, and rubbed my temples.

"Damn Marco always doing shit like this"

I whispered to myself. I then got up, turned off the tv, put the empty pot in the sink and walked to my room and plopped my self on my bed, with my face in the pillow. It was very cool and soothing, thank god for cool pillows.

The next morning I woke to my alarm clock ringing, but it was Saturday, I was tired, and I was getting more pissed the more it rang.  
"Stupid piece of shits broken" I mumbled to myself. I sat up in my bed, while rubbing my eyes and the alarm clock kept ringing. So I grabbed it and threw it across my room, and it smashed to pieces. Then I laid back down, and looked up at my ceiling, which was covered in posters. My whole room was covered in posters from anime, bands, and my drawings. My room was pretty big, so it didn't feel crowded. Then I turned to my side, facing the wall and my phone lit up, it was a text from Marco. It was the address for the party and under the address it said "Party at 8 :)"

I turned off my phone and feel asleep again.

When I woke up at the time I wanted to, it was 1:35 pm. I still had plenty of time before the party, so I got dressed and went outside, to walk around.

"Maybe I'll get get a haircut" I said to myself as I locked the door to my house. When I looked to the side there was a moving truck, one house down and the only person that I noticed was a short blond kid, who was wearing a **pastel purple** sweat shirt and white skinny jeans. Then someone walked up to him and hugged him and when I looked closer it was Eren, so I walked up to him. Eren lives across the street from me, we get into a lot of fights, but were really good friends... I guess.

 As I got closer Eren saw me.  
"Hey jean, I heard your coming to the party today"

"Yeah, so did I" I said as we fist bumped each other

"So what's going on here, you know these people"

"Yeah of course I do, this guy over here is my childhood friend he moved out of here when I was 13, but then came back!" Eren said with his arm slung over the blonds small body.

"Hello, the names Armin Arlert"

"I'am Jean Kirstein, I live one house down"

When I looked directly at Armin's face, he had big blue eyes, that had a tint of sadness to them and a cute little nose. Soon both of us were blushing at each other from staring to long.

"Helloooo, Jean you there" Eren was waving his hands in front of my face, blocking the view of Armin and that's when I noticed him.

"What is it ?"

"Stop spacing out"

"Whatever" I said pouting

"Before the party starts, I'll come to your house, Mikasa is going to pick us up".

"K, just call me before you come over"

"Yeah, anyway where are going"

"Haircut and some other stuff"

"K, see you tonight" Eren said

"Yeah and Armin it was very nice meeting you" I said

"Yeah me too" Armin said shyly.   
  
After that I walked a couple blocks down the street and reached the barber place.  
  
When I had gotten out the of the barber shop, I got an undercut. After that I just walked around the city, that's when I saw Armin walking across the street from me, with to older men behind him one was tall as fuck and the other one was short, hell Armin was taller than him. So I crossed the street and went up to him. 

"Hey Armin, what are doing here I thought you were still moving in by now"

"We'll we decided to take a break and walk around to see what's new around here, and by the way I like the hair" he said slightly blushing

"Thanks Armin"

"Um Armin who's this" the tall blond said

"Oh yeah Jean these are my dad's"

"Very nice to meet you jean, I'am Erwin I heard your our neighbor"

"Yeah I'am" I shook Erwin's hand it was firm and yet gentle

"And the blacked haired one is my dad, Levi"  
Levi was even shorter up close and he had this angry look on his face and he had a piercing on his eyebrow, lip, and nose and his left arm was covered in tattoos.

"Nice to meet you jean"

"Yeah me too"

When I shook hands with him, his grip was tighter than Erwin's and he was hurting my hand.  
"It was nice seeing you again Armin and your dad's, you have a really nice family" I said while smiling at Armin and he smiling back. I said goodbye and then left. With his pastel purple shirt still in my mind.


	2. I don't love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah the title of the chapter is a My Chemical Romance song, I thought it fit this chapter and plus who doesn't love MCR !!

_Well, when you go_  
_Don't ever think I'll make you try to stay_  
_And maybe when you get back_  
_I'll be off to find another way_  
  
_And after all this time that you still owe_  
_You're still the good-for-nothing I don't know_  
_So take your gloves and get out_  
_Better get out_  
_While you can_  
  
_When you go_  
_Would you even turn to say_  
_"I don't love you_  
_Like I did_  
_Yesterday"_  
  
_Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading_  
_So sick and tired of all the needless beating_  
_But baby when they knock you_  
_Down and out_  
_It's where you oughta stay_  
  
_And after all the blood that you still owe_  
_Another dollar's just another blow_  
_So fix your eyes and get up_  
_Better get up_  
_While you can_  
_Whoa, whooa_  
  
_When you go_  
_Would you even turn to say_  
_"I don't love you_  
_Like I did_  
_Yesterday"_

* * *

"Man, Jean what the hell did you to your hair"

"I got it cut, is there a problem" I gave a suggestive look

"No no, it's not bad I just didn't think you would do something like that to your hair"

"I just wanted a change that's all"

"Yeah you sure did"

"hmph, whatever"

Eren had arrived and as you can see, and was commenting on my hair, he told me I was grumpier than usual, but I was just irritated. I didn't want to go to this party at all, I don't want to get into the habit of drinking till I throw up, or getting high as fuck till I don't know whats the sky or the ground. Back then it was fun, a thrill for me, and I didn't consider the consequences at all, but now that I look back at that it was just foolish and stupid.

I was laying down on my couch, when my phone went off and when I looked at the screen, it was Marco so I answered it.

"Hey babe"

"Hey Marco"

"Your coming soon right ?"

"Yeah, I'am coming me and Eren are just waiting for Mikasa to pick us up and well be there, k"

"Ok, just making sure, love you Jean see you soon"

"Love you to freckles, see you soon"

I hung up and and put my phone back in my pocket. Eren asked who it was and I said it was "Marco". After 5 minutes after my call with Marco a car honked, Eren looked out the window. 

"It's Mikasa, lets go"

"Yeah"

I locked the door behind me and jumped into Mikasa's car and when I checked the time it was 9 pm, "One less hour at this party... I guess" I said to myself, "not that it really matters anyway"

Armin Pov

   _"ARMIN HURRY UP, THERE_ _GETTING CLOSER"_

_I kept running, but I didn't know why I just knew I had to, who's calling my name?, why are this things after us, why._

_but soon my legs gave out and I tripped_

_"ARMIN GET UP, HURRY UP GET UP"_

_I didn't have the strength to run, and as the things mouth lowered to eat me I looked up the person was running towards me holding out his hand, and just before the thing ate me I pulled my arm out,_   _the_ _person grabbed it and pulled me out of the way, and when I looked up._

_"J... jean"_

* * *

I woke with both of my dads, shaking me...

"ARMIN ARE YOU OKAY, YOU WERE SCREAMING"

When I touched my checks they were wet,  _I was crying_  ?, when I felt my heart it was beating fast, _I was scared_  ?. When I looked up at my dads they had worried... no I shouldn't say worried, frightened looks on there faces, and after a couple seconds I bursted into tears and quickly hugged my dad, because  _fuck_  I have never been so scared in my life.

"Everything is going to be ok Armin, 'm right here" he said while rubbing my back

"I...I'am scared dad, t-t-they just keeping getting worse and worse" I was able to say in between sobs, while hugging my dad tightly. 

"It's ok Armin, you don't have to talk about it, just breath ok" 

I nodded my head, and was focusing on breathing normal again. 

"Hey, Armin you want some chocolate milk" 

"Yes, please" I said quietly

"Hey, Levi do you mind getting..."

"I'll get, I'll be right back" 

Levi left the room and Erwin stayed with me, still hugging me

"Hmm dad" by this time I was calm and I stopped crying.

"Yeah son"

"I'am I normal" 

He stayed silent for a couple seconds than spoke. 

"Of course you are, and don't ever say your not" he kissed the top of my head and looked at me straight in the eyes 

"Don't ever forget that I love you, son"

"I love you too dad" 

After a couple of minutes, Levi came through the door holding a cup of chocolate milk.

"Here you go Armin" he said as he sat down next to me on the opposite side of the bed. I drank it in less then a minute and handed the cup to my dad. 

"You ok now Armin" dad (Levi) said with a sincere look. 

"Yeah, I'am ok thanks for the milk dad"

"No problem kiddo" 

"Armin, you going back to sleep" dad (Erwin) said

"Yeah I'am still tired" 

"Then we'll be leaving now"

"Yeah"

"If any thing call us, ok"

I nodded. When I laid down, dad put the blanket over, they both kissed my forehead, and left my room. Moving in a new house and already this shit happens, why to me though, why. I'am a good person, right ?. These nightmares that I have been getting just keep getting worse and worse, I don't know what to do anymore. I mean, my dad's are supportive and do any thing to help, but I still feel empty and hollow and I have been feeling like that for the longest time, ...  _Someone please help me..._

* * *

Jean Pov

God damnit, ... I let myself go. _I really am weak._ I was back to where I was a year ago. There was alcohol slushing around in my brain, and the smell of marijuana in the air. The music was pounding loudly against my head, but it didn't bother me I was to much into making out with Marco in the far corner to even notice. While I was occupied by groping Marco's ass, he was putting his hands up my shirt. The kiss, wasn't passionate and loving, it more of a kiss where your horny and drunk and you turn to any person to make out with, it was sloppy with our tongues intertwined. My body felt good, but deep down I knew that everything around me wasn't right at all and that just made it worse.

"Whats the matter Jean" Marco asked when I had stopped 

I didn't answer, I just stared blankly at his face

"Jean are you ok ?"

 _Jean just ANSWER HIM ALREADY WHY CAN'T YOU SPEAK,_ I tried to spit out words every time I wanted to, my mouth stayed shut. Then I felt my heart beat really fast, then all these thoughts floated through my head, and I started shaking.

"Jean you still there" he said in a drunken slur, while waving his hand in my face

I still didn't answer him, the thoughts kept running through my head,  _What the hell I'am doing here, why is this happening, why please tell me why._ The thoughts keep getting worse and worse, and that's when I let of Marco's grip, and I ran.

I ran outside of the building, went up against a wall I was trying to breath normal, but the more I tried telling myself it was ok, the more in pain I felt. I was having a panic attack. I get them, but never this bad. _Your so pathetic, your such a fuck up, you'll never be a good son._ Tears were coming out of eyes and I was clenching my head with hands. Then I felt something come up my throat, I turned to the side and threw up. I thought I would start to calm down, but I was struggling to breath, the thoughts where still there, and I was still shaking.  _What the hell is wrong with me, ...please... PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME._ I heard people running up to me.

"JEAN, WHATS WRONG" It was Eren

I heard his voice, but I didn't look up. I was crying my eyes out and my chest keep getting tighter. 

"EREN IS JEAN OK" Then came Mikasa

"I DON'T KNOW HE WONT ANSWER" Eren said

"Then lets take him home" Mikasa said in a calm voice to take over the situation

"Yeah your right" Eren said

"Eren help him up and bring him to the car"

Eren got my arm. When he picked me up, I felt something in my throat, I threw up again and then blacked out...

_That was the worst experience of my life, and I never felt so helpless and hollow, ... Someone please help me..._

* * *

Eren Pov

When we got to Jeans place, it was 4 in the morning. I had told my Parents I was sleeping over at Jeans house and Mikasa had said she was spending the night at Annie's (her girlfriend) house (the staying at a friends house was true, but we didn't tell our parents about the party part). Marco was with Jean, I saw them making out then Jean ran I thought Marco would go after him, but he just went some where else and disappeared into the crowd.

We took Jeans key and unlocked his house. When we had gotten in, he woke up and seemed calmer than before. He asked us to take him to bathroom, and when we did he closed the door. We sat in the living room, we heard him throw up a couple of times I was going to go and check up on him, but Mikasa told me not to and just leave him alone for now, soon I heard the shower turn on and I guessed he was ok.

"Are you sure that, you'll be ok with him" Mikasa said worried

"Yes I'll be fine, go to Annie's house already" 

"Ok, see you Monday bro"

"You to sis"

Mikasa left and drove off, and after an hour with being in the shower he finally came out... and let me tell you what I saw didn't even look like Jean it looked like death was standing right in front of face. His eyes looked empty and puffy, (I'am guessing he was crying) he was slouched, he looked pale as fuck, and I could see him shiver.

"Hey man, you ok ?"

"No" he croaked 

I watched him slowly as he walked in the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of water and he had a bottle of Tylenol in the other hand and slowly walked out towards his room.

"Hey man is there anything else, you want me to get you" I said

"No... just sleep"

And I heard his door close,  _Damn what the hell happened to you..._

Jean Pov

_**I felt like fucking**   **shit,**_ that's how I felt. I took three Tylenol's and drank the whole bottle of water, then I climbed into bed I put the blanket over me and just stared blankly at the other end of my room. What happened early before was the first time that ever happened to me, was so scared, so panicky, my chest just kept getting tighter the more I tried to focus on just breathing, and all those bad thought's that kept running through my head. It was like I was mentally beating my self up. All my insecurities, that I have suppressed ever since my dad died they Just came floating back up. To haunt me just for that moment and it will most likely happen again. ... My dad was a good man, always took care of us... always loved us, even when he was deported to fight some where. We knew he loved us. I would always look out of the window when I heard he was coming back, and when he did he would always pick me up and throw me in the air and then kiss my mom, we were all happy when he came home. Then he's phone calls stopped coming and so did he. Of course my mom knew what was going on but didn't tell me, so I kept looking outside of window every day. Until one day a friend of his showed up... after that I stopped looking outside the window...

* * *

Monday morning, Trost high school, seniors

Jean Pov

I was not in the mood for school at all, but I went anyway. It was homeroom, and of course everyone in the whole damn class talked about the party, I made it look like I was paying attention, but I really wasn't and I couldn't give two shits about in the first place.

Then I noticed every one had stopped talking, and when I went to look up. I saw Armin. My heart skipped a beat for a second, he was wearing black leggings, skirt, and a cardigan that's was a little to big for him, but I thought he looked cute. Eren was in a different homeroom, so Armin sat down on the desk next to me. By that time everybody returned to there conversations.

"Hey Armin, I like the outfit" I said while blushing

"Thanks Jean" he said blushing as well 

After that I asked him how he felt to come back to live in a place he once lived before, and he asked how many years I have lived here, soon our conversation got deep and I found out he loved bands and anime, just as much as I did. Also that he was a huge book nerd. Then our conversation ended. With home room over he left and we went to our classes. Then I felt someone tap my shoulder. I turned around to see that it was Marco. 

"Meet me after schoo in the football field" 

After school, football field

Jean Pov

I waited and after 5 minutes Marco finally showed up.

"Was there something you wanted to talk about" I asked Marco

Then he went up to me and pressed his lips against mine. I wrapped my arms around Marco and carried him to the bleachers. When we sat down, Marco wrapped his arms around my neck and started giving me hickies. 

"Marco stop that tickles!" 

He didn't stop and he just keep going at it

"Marco I said stop, please" 

"MARCO!" I yelled at him and pushed him off me. 

"WHAT THE HELL MARCO"

"What, I can't kiss my boyfriend"

"THATS NOT THE FUCKING POINT I SAID STOP" 

" I DON'T GET WHATS THE FUCKING BIG DEAL, YOUR THE ONE WHOS ACTING LIKE SUCH A DOUCHE BAG. YOU DONT WANT TO HANG OUT, YOU DONT WANT TO PARTY, YOUVE JUST BECOME A LAME ASS"

"MY MOTHER IS SICK IN THE HOSPITAL WITH CANCER, AND SO IM THE ASSHOLE NOW REALLY!"

"You now what I guess it's time that I say this, . . . I have been cheating on you for the last couple of months" Marco said 

My heart clenched when he said those words, I wasn't even angry... just dead. 

Marco just picked up his things and left me on the bleachers.

A strong gust of wind passed through the field and I could hear the tress rustling I just stared at the sky, blank and empty. I just stood there as Marco turned his back on me, there wasn't even guilt in his voice when he said those words. All this time I thought I was loved, but I was just some rag doll, that he just threw to side of the curd. The tears came out and my chest started to get tight. This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. It was bone crushing and crippling at the same. I was just so empty and I just wanted to die.

...  _Someone please help me... please, it's cold in here... all alone_

* * *

 

 _Well come on, come on_  
  
When you go  
Would you have the guts to say  
"I don't love you  
Like I loved you  
Yesterday"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'am starting to think you like my story, well I like you too :p


	3. Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean is just a mess in disguise, and when he doesn't come to school for a week Eren and Armin find him in a even bigger mess then they thought

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SERIOUS TRIGGER WARNINGS READ AT YOUR OWN WILL

_Some say, now suffer all the children_  
_And walk away a savior,_  
_Or a madman and polluted_  
_From gutter institutions._  
_Don't you breathe for me,_  
_Undeserving of your sympathy,_  
_Cause there ain't no way that I'm sorry for what I did._  
  
_And through it all_  
_How could you cry for me?_  
_Cause I don't feel bad about it._  
_So shut your eyes,_  
_Kiss me goodbye,_  
_And sleep._  
_Just sleep._  
  
_The hardest part is letting go of your dreams._

* * *

  _To trust Someone to not hurt you, ... how idiotic is that._

I have never felt like this in my life, so dead and broken I felt like I was going to die, right here. Nobody would care, would they ... _would they_. I called my mom, still standing in the same place since Marco had said those words.  
  
"Jean!, how's my boy you just got of school didn't you" she said in a loving voice  
  
"Yeah, ... I did"  
  
"Is there something wrong dear"  
  
"No... no everything's fine I just can't visit today ... to much umm homework"  
  
"That's fine sweet heart, I understand"  
  
"Thanks mom, I'am really sorry"  
  
"Don't worry about it, next time when you come, I finished your beanie"  
  
"Thanks mom I love you"  
  
"I love you too, Jean"  
  
I hung up and put my phone in my sweater and walked out of the football field. My mind now was a dark abyss and I was trapped at the bottom of it. _You'll never be good enough, you deserve what you GOT !!!, you FUCKING IDIOT , your useless._  
  
The thought's came back, and I felt my chest getting tight. It felt as my body was being consumed all these thought's telling me _I'll never be good enough_ and _everyone hates me_. As I was waking home, it started to rain so I just ran.   
  
When I got home, I kept the light's off and took off everything except my underwear and shirt. I dropped my wet cloths in front of the door and went into my bathroom then looked into the mirror.  
  
"I really, am a mess" I said to myself. I touched my lip piercing and it felt cool against my fingertips, I ran my hand through my hair to push it back and get it out of my face. I felt cold,my forehead was burning hot, and my cheek's and nose were red. I started to get light headed the more I stood up, so I opened the bathroom cabinet, and grabbed a bottle of painkillers. I took a couple of them and walked over to my bed. The window was next to my bed, so it let out a dull gray light and I could here the wind blowing and the rain hiting my window. All I wanted to do was sleep, just sleep forever and forgetting all my problems. Where I could dream and be whoever I want to be without people bringing me down, but then knowing once I wake up this will never end...  _So why not sleep forever_  
  
Narrator  
  
After two days, no has see Jean not even Armin or Eren who lived near him. Of course Eren thought of going to check up on him, but after Eren had seen Marco with another man. Eren decided to give more time saying to himself that they had broken up. After a week of not seeing Jean, he asked Armin to come with him and check up on him.   
  
"How do we get in any way" Armin said  
  
"Jean said there was a spare key around here some where, I just trying to remember where he said it was" Eren said while thinking  
  
After some thought of trying to remembering where the key was, he finally remembered. Eren jumped off the stair's and picked up a flower pot and under it was the key. He picked it up, looked at Armin and when he got up to the door, he unlocked it and went inside. All of the lights where off, it was freezing, and there was a pile of cloths in front of the door.  
  
"Hey Jean, you here" they both said, but there was no response. Maybe he was with his mother, but they kept looking. Eren went up stairs to where Jean's room was and Armin stayed on the first floor.  
  
"ARMIN, GET THE HELL UP HERE" Eren screamed. Armin ran up the stairs into Jean's bathroom there was Jean with an empty bottle of pills, laying on the floor, with blood on his thighs and arms, and a razor near by.   
  
"OH MY GOD, JEAN" Armin yelled  
  
Armin Pov  
  
Jean looked almost lifeless, and he was pale as paper. I picked up his head and put it on my lap. I checked his pulse it was still there, but he was barely breathing.  
  
"EREN CALL 911 NOW"  
  
"YEAH, GOT IT"  
  
Eren took out his phone quickly and dialed the number, then Eren said they would be here soon.  
  
"What do we do, what do we do" I said quietly to myself, then I thought of my dad.  
  
I then took out my phone and dialed my dad's number  
  
"Come on pick up the phone" I said to myself  
  
Then after after it rang three times, he picked up.  
  
"Hey Armin"  
  
"DAD I NEED YOU TO COME TO JEAN'S HOUSE NOW"  
  
"First calm down, tell me what happened"  
  
"Jean hasn't been to school in over a week, so me and Eren decided to check up on him and when we did we saw him laying the floor next to a bottle of pills"  
  
"DID YOU CALL 911"  
  
"Yes we did, but since your a doctor I called you"  
  
"Ok, me and your father will be there, don't panic ok"  
  
"Yes dad"  
  
After that he hung up with me, and after two minutes they were there.  
  
"Is he still breathing" My dad asked  
  
"Yes, but barely"  
  
"Ok, Levi you stay here and help me"  
  
"And you stay down stairs, so the ambulance knows where to stop"  
  
We both went outside, and when we saw the ambulance we jumped and waved our hands in the air. Soon they took out a stretcher and went into the house, then came out with Jean's body with a ventilator on his face. My dad went with them on the ambulance, since he works at that hospital there going to. My dad came over to us and explained that they think it was a suicide and that will need to pump his stomach out. After all that Eren went home, to tell his parents what had happened. That left me with my dad, I guess he noticed I was about to cry so he hugged me and told me that Jean would be alright. Even though he was shorter then me, I still felt protected and I calmed down, and we walked home.  
  
Besides Eren and Mikasa. I never really had friends. Everyone gets a little weirded out whenever I come to school dressed up in a skirt or dress, but not Eren or Mikasa. We have been friends since kindergarten, all the kids there thought I was weirdo and that my family was weird. Cause what kid has two dads, and dressed up as a girl. Mikasa and Eren both respected my style of dress, so did my dad's, and so did Eren and Mikasa's mom and dad. After meeting Jean, he didn't have a look of disgust in face when he saw me dressed the way I did he liked my skirt. I was so happy because not only did he like the same things as me, but he didn't mind the way I dressed, and I haven't been happy like that in a long time. Then we found him like that in his house, a part of me died. Even though we haven't known each other that long I liked him, and it felt as if I was losing a best friend...

* * *

 Narrator

  
When they had reached the hospital,  Jean was in critical condition. He had overdosed on Vicodin. The doctors were shocked that he had even lived this long, without medical attention. When they finished pumping his stomach, they put him in ICU and was still hooked up to a ventilator until he could breath on his own. Since Jean's mother was in the same hospital as him, Erwin had contacted her. When she arrived to his office, she was in a wheelchair because she was to weak to move on her feet.  
  
"What happened to my son" She said with a worried tone and face.  
  
"Ms.kirstein, is it"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"My name is Erwin Smith I just moved in the block near you, and I work here as a doctor"  
  
"Has your son contacted you in the past week?"  
  
"Yes, but it was all voice mail's cause he would call me late at night. I tried calling back, but he never answered  
  
"My son Armin and Eren ..., found him laying in his bathroom floor, barely breathing"  
  
She put a hand over her mouth, and tears came down her face  
  
"Please tell me my son is ok, Please" She said desperately  
  
"He's ok, but he's in ICU at the moment"  
  
"What happened to my son"  
  
"He had an overdose of Vicodin, and had significant blood loss from the marks on his forearms and thighs"

At the moment it felt as time stopped it's self in her world, she would have never thought her son would do something like that,... never in her right mind.

  
Erwin gave her a tissue, and they kept talking  
  
"Do you know why he would do something like this"  
  
"Were looking at it as a suicide"  
  
"M... m... my son would never do anything like that, it can't be"  
  
"Your son would never do this, without intentions"  
  
"Yes, I understand she sniffled again   
  
"Does your son have any anxiety or depression"  
  
"Anxiety yes, he has told me he had been feeling depressed once before, but that was one time then after that he never mentioned it again"  
  
Then someone knocked on the office door it was one of the nurse's, Hanji  
  
"Doctor Erwin"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"The ICU Patient Jean kirstein, has woken up"  
  
After Ms. kirstein heard that she immediately said, "TAKE ME TO MY SON"

* * *

 Jean Pov

My body felt heavy, and I could barely pick up my arms and they felt like they were on fire. I tried to pick up my head, but I felt a sharp pain go through the back of my head and decided not do that again. Whenever ever I tried to look at something every thing just became unfocused and it gave me a headache, so I just kept my eye's closed. I tried focusing on why I was or how I even got here. Then I remembered ... the bottle of pills ... the razor ... Marco ... people,. . .yeah that's why I was here. Soon I heard footsteps come into the room. I opened my eyes, half way. Everything I saw was hazy I couldn't make out there faces, but then someone spoke and my heart fell into a pit... _I'am so so sorry_

"Jean, Jean are you ok it's your mother"

Up close I could see her and she looked horrified, it even scared me. I never imagined seeing my mom like this, not ever.  _I'am sorry_

Tears came down my face, I can't even imagine how to tell my mom, why I was in this situation.  _I'am sorry_

She put her hand up to my face and swiped a tear, before it rolled down. Then she got up slowly and kissed my forehead

"I'am so so sorry, mom" I said weakly, she just shook her head

"I'am just glad your ok, don't ever ever ever forget that I love you, my baby boy"

I don't know if she saw me smile through the ventilator, but I'am guessing she did cause she smiled back at me. My mom grabbed my hand and held it under the blanket I was under, until I fell asleep 

I can't explain how sorry I'am for doing this mom, I love you too much. _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm_ _sorry_.

* * *

 _A drink for the horror that I'm in,_  
For the good guys, and the bad guys,  
For the monsters that I've been.  
Three cheers for tyranny,  
Unapologetic apathy,  
Cause there ain't no way that I'm coming back again.  
  
And through it all  
How could you cry for me?  
Cause I don't feel bad about it.  
So shut your eyes,   
Kiss me goodbye,  
And sleep.  
Just sleep.  
  
The hardest part's the awful things that I've seen.


	4. Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It finally been a couple of days since jean has been in the hospital, and finally gets a visitor besides his mother and Armin comes in with a fresh batch of brownies.

_I never said, I'd be coming back for you._  
_I never said, I'd be coming back for you, back for you._  
_I never said that, I wish..._  
  
_I wish that you could see, feel something or just believe,_  
_But you're not here you're way past dead, your heart, it doesn't bleed._  
_You took a part of me, ripped from my very soul._  
_Now I feel like giving up when you're just losing control._  
  
_And, I fear that I've married a ghost, you appeared to have this heart of gold, and I fear, that you've sold my soul._  
_The devils crawling on my back to take you back._  
  
_Disguised your demons drag you straight to..._  
_Fuck._  
_Lying, cheating Think I don't know what you did?_  
_Lying, cheating. Think I don't know what you did?_  
  
_Have many long to breathe, the dead are listening, buried you with my faith, these few last words regret to say._  
_Can't do this on my own, I can't be all alone, I've held my tongue for far too long this silence kills..._

* * *

Jean Pov

I've been here for a couple of days and have barely talked to anyone, besides my mom. She's the only one I can talk too, right now. Doctor Erwin and the nurse are guving me space and said they have to keep me under suicide watch and that a phsycologist will be visting me soon. Also that a nurse will be checking up on me every hour. A thing that has been going good is that my mom is finally in remission and should come home soon, but as for me there keeping me here a little longer. . . great.

Then I heard a knocking at the door.

"Who is it" asked while I sitting up in the bed.

"Armin Arlert, I came to see how you were doing"

I would have expected to see Eren not Armin, but him coming here makes me really happy.

"You can come in" saying as cheerful as I can.

When he came in he was wearing a pair of shorts and a really flowy shirt with his shoulders showing, and a big shopping bag.  _I wonder whats in the bag._ _  
_

"Hey Jean"

"Hey"

"I brought you some brownies, Just in case you got bored of hospital food"

"uh, thanks Armin"

He looked up at me while he was getting them out of the bag, and smiled at me then put his focus back on the bag. My face blushed uncontrollably.  _  
_

He took out the container, sat down, put it on his lap, put someone in a napkin for me, and then handed it to me and I started munching on them.

"Oh my god Armin, THERE ARE FRICKING DELICIOUS"

He looked at me surprised, then smiled.

"Really!?, I didn't think they would be that good"

"These are the best things I have tasted every since I came to this place, so thank you ...I was kind of getting bored of this hospital food"

"Your welcome I'am glad you like them" He said happily  

"Where's Eren I thought he would have come with you?"

"He got sick with a virus, so he couldn't come"

"Oh ok, is he all right ?"

"Yeah, he's good he said to tell you that 'I hope you get better' "

"Ok, tell him thanks when you see him"

After that, all we could hear the chewing of our mouths. The silence was very eerie and awkward, I was about to ask Armin a question when he said something first.

"Um Jean"

"Yeah"

"Can I ask you a question, ... about what happened that night"

... I knew that question would come out soon, I was contemplating on either answering it or not, but deep down I knew he needed an answer, cause he was the one who found me in this damn mess in the first place. 

"... Sure go ahead"

"... Why... why would you do it"

"I-I... don't now how to explain it"

I look down at my hands and look at the marks that I'll now have forever. I thought about then I look at Armin's face, he had an worried look.

"Um, imagine my mind as a balloon and the air filling the balloon are all my thoughts and problems. When it gets filled it stretch's and becomes bigger. The more I kept thinking. Thoughts flowing into my mind, bad stuff, insecurities, depression the more I believed what I was thinking. Having so many insecurities after my dad died, getting stressed out on schoolwork, thinking about would I see my mom the next day, when I had a mental brake down at the party, and then Marco..."

I started sniffling and tears came down my face.

"Then Marco, told me he had cheated on me, my mind just gave out, my balloon finally popped. I felt so damn  _used, worthless, and dead._ I just thought the world would be better without me. I was just so tired and depressed of every thing. So I just tried killing myself . . ."

I burst into tears, I just had to spill it all out and let go.

Then I felt something jump on the bed, and wrap there tiny arms around me and push my head into there shoulder. Armin was hugging me, comforting me. I cried even more and wrapped my arm's tightly around him, and crying into his shoulder.

"Your an awesome guy and a good friend, your the first new friend I have made in years and I'm glad I met you". Armin said will still huging me 

He wiped my tears with his thumbs, "Thank you Armin for everything" I said

"And thank you for finding me"

"Your welcome Jean" He said while putting his head on top of mine and rubbing my back.

Then we let go of our hug and I laid back down, I could feel sharp pain going through my head And I couldnt sit up anymore. Armin stayed for a while and we talked. Armin, just makes me forget about everything that has happened. I feel like I've know him for years and years and yet it has only been a couple of weeks. As Armin was packing up to leave, that's when I heard someone open the door. It wasn't the nurse, it wasn't my mom, or Armin's dad.  _It ...was Marco._

He stood there with a blank expression and I just stared at him _._ Armin rushed with his things and left quickly with a wave. As soon as he felt I said to Marco

"What are you doing here"

"I came to see how you were doing, but I guess your already taken care of" he said

The more he stared at me the more those words replayed in my mind, " _I cheated on you"_

"Yeah I'am all taken care of, so get out. I don't need you here to fuck me over again"

I was getting more and more anxious the more time spent here, and I could feel the shortness of breath and the tight sensation in my chest. 

"Just get OUT I DONT NEED YOU HERE, GET OUT" 

Marco wasn't moving an inch I could feel my heart beat faster and faster. I wanted him gone, it was triggering to just look at him, but he wouldn't leave. _Why ?!_  

I felt something come up my throat and I grabbed the garabge can that was right next to me and threw up and then I wiped my mouth. Now nurses came in rushing. My heart beat was really high and the machine was beeping like crazy. Doctor Erwin came in after the nurses and asked me what the problem was, while one of the nurses was trying to calm me down.

I simply pointed at Marco and Erwin brought him outside of the room, talked to him and when he was done talking to Marco, Marco looked at me and walked off. The nurses did there job of calming me down. Then the nurses left and so did Doctor Erwin.

Along with the panic attack, killer head ache, and stomach pain I'm dead tirer. I felt sluggish, sleepy, and sore. 

Sooner or later I feel asleep, with Armins image in my _mind_. 

* * *

 _And, I fear that I've married a ghost, you appeared to have this heart of gold, and I fear, that you've sold my soul._  
_The devils crawling on my back to take you..._  
  
_I never said, I'd be coming back for you._  
_I never said, I'd be coming back for you..._  
_And now I sing (and now I sing), for everything that I've lost._  
_And now I scream (and now I scream) for everything that I've loved..._  
  
_Everything_  
  
_And now we sing (now we sing) for everything that we've lost and now we scream (now we scream) for everything that we've loved..._  
_We left our voices scream, we left our..._  
  
_And now your demons have found you, and now like shadows surround you, and now these demons have bound you, and they're dragging you back to hell._

**Author's Note:**

> Well if your reading this that means your liked the first chapter and is waiting to know what happens next, party time in the next chapter and a break-up, you can probably guess with who it is with


End file.
